what is adulthood and tell me how to get there...

i'm leaving college soon (very soon) and there is no longer this thin, glossy film between me and the world, where I am looking out from the inside. instead i am so knee deep in it, im turned on and deathly afraid all at once. im sitting in the library at bank street college of education, waiting to be interviewed, thinking about grad school, dreaming about the future that is no longer a dream but a new exciting reality. no one told me that this time would feel like being born again, that i am just slowly making my way through amniotic fluid, hoping i will be able to breath on the other side.

what it is my life going to look like out of my own creation? when there is no longer anything expected of me? what am i holding out for myself?

i have been acquiring a business wardrobe. haven't gotten down working in heels yet. i even bought a fashion magazine to view the article on mixing colors with naturals, since career dress is so boring. but i think i got it down. this coming from a dyke that basically dresses like she falls out of a crayon box and think doc martens go with everything. oh and i bought a briefcase, like a nice leather one.

(what the hell is going on?)

i'm walking around new york city, thinking i can blend in with the suits and the women with their frappocinos arguing on the phone about businessy things. i feel like this responsible child, like im playing the part, trying to make all these discussions, hoping i can still get a job with all these holes in my face.

but its cleansing i guess. acquiring new things and letting things go. i think im just unsure about what new things i am suppose to take and what i should let go. and still learning how to slow down and pace myself.

and celebrate. fucking celebrate.

and accept all this beautiful racket, even if i dont know what it all means yet.